One Weird Trick
Your problems can be solved.
Spend a little time online to learn strange and wonderful shortcuts virtually guaranteed to solve nagging problems. Your belly can be trimmed away, your hair restored, and your mortgage repaid (probably by the government) simply through the deployment of a single weird trick here and there. Don't give up, but don't exert any effort, either. Our microwave society comes to the rescue with one-page tips and hints. You can do it, and it won't take too long.
Eliminate Annoying Abdominal Protuberance
Six-pack abs represent a pinnacle of health and fitness, but no one wants to do sit-ups. Evidently a semi-secret weird trick just beyond your reach melts away undesirable body fat to reveal muscular goodness lurking there all along. Push away the cheeseburgers but fail not to submit $49.95 for the secret to reducing your gut. Well-meaning advertisers insist that one simple solitary sleight of hand shenanigan overrides years of indulgence. It's all good. Look online for rectangular advertising that would almost never lie to you.
Put yourself to sleep, on command
We understand the dilemma of modern sentient humans vis-à-vis sleep deficit. Gleaming yet relaxing high-tech clinics spring up in major metropolitan areas offering in-depth studies of personal nocturnal failings. They measure you as you sleep, or not. In reality, one weird trick knocks you out like clockwork and awakens you refreshed. You can sleep on-command without prescription medication. We don't know what secrets lie behind sleep-related online advertising, but we are too weary to move our mouse pointer and take the plunge.
Extend and Increase Your Head of Hair
Loss of head hair lurks just short of halitosis when climbing social and corporate ladders. No one likes you unless you're topped with voluminous luxurious cascading locks of deep rich color. No bald guy has been elected president since the invention of television. Spend a month's salary on potions to be applied during your morning ritual, or simply execute one weird trick to solve your hairy problem. Look online for helpful vendors happy to sell you key information necessary to save your career from stagnation.
Get a Free House, mostly.
Owning a home might be a component of the American Dream, but signing up for a home mortgage will keep you up at night. Thirty years is a long time to mail in a monthly check even if the interest is tax-deductible. Based on popular internet banner ads, someone has identified an odd strategy inclined to pay off your debt in a timely manner. You'll have something left over for a new lawn mower, which will greatly please your neighbors. We can't imagine a technique that will convince a lender to ignore your obligation, but after all, it is a weird trick. Perhaps we're not sufficiently weird.
The most important trick
Jump with both feet in to your world of strangely wonderful online advertising, but read the disclaimer first. Our loyal FDA (Food and Drug Administration) maintains a real-world stranglehold on specific boilerplate language that you will probably find rendered in very small type at the bottom of the page. Clicking on a tiny link may be necessary.
You can expect to read "This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, or cure any disease." Nothing weird about that, but it is rather sobering. John Wayne with a bazooka, when he was alive, could not defend against lawyers on the payroll of the Justice Department.
