Yardwork

Your lawn calls for you. Somewhere in the world it's Summer. Weed germinate at alarming rates while innocent turf fescue and Kentucky Bluegrass struggle for survival.

Your lawn needs you. Turn off American Idol. Get out there and get your hands dirty. Chlorophyll smells better than frying bacon. We present optimal accoutrement necessary for proper yard maintenance. No one ventures out into the back 40 with a bucket of good intentions and a tube of sunblock. You need ergonomically engineered equipment, thankfully available online.

Zoning regulations unfortunately prohibit draft horses in subdivisions. Consider a massive yard tractor to knock down that recalcitrant grass. Simply hop on and crank up the iPod. Cruise back and forth in OCD straight lines or perform choreographed spirals. Your route matters not. Grass doesn't care what direction you come from. It all cuts the same.

Look for a riding mower with push button starting and a really really padded seat. Your yard gets bumpy when the moles get busy and the grubs begin grubbing. Husqvarna tractors get the job done. John Deere tractors stand up to any breed of grass.

Grass can't grow fast enough. Every blade yearns for supplemental feed sources to enable skyward achievement. If you don't dump this stuff on your yard, neighbors will talk behind your back. You probably won't get invited to the 4th of July cookout in the cul-de-sac.

Plan to feed your grass sufficiently as to require thrice-weekly mowing. Your Husqvarna lawn tractor can handle it. Give up softball leagues, forget about your kids' soccer games, don't even consider spending time with the right-wing zealots on Fox News: all your waking moments should be consumed with keeping your yard at bay.

As efficient as your Husqvarna tractor might be, inevitably you will find yourself obligated to dismount and attack individual blades of grass sprouting dangerously close to the Geranium patch. You simply cannot run your riding mower through the bougainvillaeas.

To that end, we suggest a shiny new string trimmer, or three. This incredible device spins at speeds approaching the speed of light, propelling plastic string through any organic material sprouting through the dirt in your yard. Nothing stops it. Black and Decker sells a cool-looking unit that doesn't get too heavy after several hours of heavy use. An electric model trails a cord that you should try not to slice through as you apply a decorative edge to the driveway/lawn boundary. A gas-powered unit allows more freedom to move about and attack overaggressive vegetation from any conceivable angle. Your yard will never know what hit it.

Dig in the rich loamy soil that is your front yard. Get down on your knees to rearrange the dirt regularly. Unless you still live in the Olduvai Gorge, deploy a specially-engineered trowel for optimal loosening and cultivating.

Every experienced yard engineer knows where his trowel is. Be sure to clean it after each use: you never know when emergency digging opportunities may arise. We suggest ordering backup trowels online in order to maintain a well-stocked landscape shelf in the garage.

Your yard loves the Sun but your head holds an opposing viewpoint. Nourishing rays enable photosynthesis while concurrently causing sunburn. A strategically mounted yardwork hat will save you from hours of aloe application and peeling skin. It does get yucky.

Look for a camouflaged hat so the deer don't see you. Wildly colored florescent hats are also in style. You aren't exactly dressing for a cotillion: wear whatever suits your mood. Your head will thank you.

Roll out the heavy equipment to keep tiny bugs at bay. This amazing high-tech device attracts mosquitoes and annihilates them. It's really cool, unless you're a flying biting insect unable to resist UV light.

Look for units that operate on free energy provided by the overhead Sun. There's no need to run a tedious extension cord into the yard. Simply stick it into the ground and walk away. It looks like something that mosquitoes would be very happy flitting around, but it's actually deadly to the little vermin. No one will miss a few thousand quick-fried mosquitoes. Even PETA won't give you any grief.

You really don't want to know how it works, but it does work. Sprinkle it around the foundation of your house and stroll away as if you don't have a care in the world. It's not poisonous like diazinon or voting for Democrats, but it will wipe out large populations of creepy crawly critters that have designs on joining you in the kitchen.

Perhaps the most useful device available in your yardwork arsenal might possibly be a capable wheelbarrow. Plan to make roughly 65,535 trips to and from the tool shed unless your wheelbarrow is at the ready. Load it up with trowels, trimmers, fertilizer, towels, potting soil, sunblock, radio, radio batteries, gardening gloves, and you're ready to work efficiently.

Look for a barrow with wheels. Plastic won't rust, metal won't crack under the stress of your equipment. Carbon-fiber would be extremely cool, but functionality is the goal here, not fashion.

Get real: your pink hands have softened from working at a desk all Winter. Pulling staples is no substitute for pulling weeds. You're not prepared to dig in the dirt until you've properly protected your dermis. Gardening gloves come in many shapes and sizes for human hands. Pick out a pair with vegetables on them or manly leather trim that will stand up to rose bushes.

You don't want to attend the barn dance with bleeding puss-filled blisters on all your hands. No one will join you at the punch bowl. Floral motifs make a great gift for Mother's Day. Mom wants her hands to be soft and supple but she still wants to plant. You can help.

Order up yardwork equipment before Winter descends again. It will happen.