Weird Things My Refrigerator Has Said

Obviously, your refrigerator is the most vain appliance in your kitchen. Refrigerators provide functionality and utility only dreamed of by lowly toaster ovens, dishwashers, and cheese graters. The attitude of the icebox becomes understandable when viewed from the perspective of complexity. No other kitchen gizmo is smart enough to keep cold things cold and frozen things frozen while concurrently providing water in three different forms (liquid, cubed, and crushed.) Open the door and a light pops on: we implicitly trust that illumination ceases upon door closure.

Those of us who mistakenly tried to store T-bone steaks in the dish washer have learned these lessons in a dramatic fashion.

Given the superior position of the refrigerator in the kitchen appliance pecking order, we expect our frozen friend to come up with entertaining and unexpected bon mots once in a while. Should you be unfortunate enough to miss out on the ruminations of your frozen friend, we present a sampling of weird things my refrigerator has said. Your personal refrigerator probably doesn't hold equivalent views, but you may find an icebreaker (!) or two.

"You don't buy a refrigerator, you only rent it."

How true this rings. Every refrigerator ends up standing morosely at the curb, waiting for the inevitable trip to the dump or the recycling center.

"History tells us that such refrigerators are often gone but not forgotten."

Who among us will ever forget their first refrigerator? The trip to the used-appliance superstore, the tireless hunt through rows of mismatched handles and trim pieces, the eventual realization that we can only afford a unit that reeks of some else's moldy cheese.

"My one regret is that I only have one compressor to give for my household."

Oddly enough, this refrigerator was made in China. We appreciate the sentiment in any case.

"That's one small step for an icebox, one giant leap for domestic food preservation technology."

I heard this one shortly after the completion of a particularly satisfying defrost cycle.

"Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment. Your milk is beyond its' expiration date."

Wow. That little icebox sure was a lifesaver.

"The only thing we have to fear is leaking refrigerant itself."

Truer words were never spoken by appliance or sentient human.

"Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow; Don't walk behind me, I may not lead; Walk beside me, and don't let my ice maker freeze up."

We heard this one several times over the course of a hot and humid Summer.

We have presented a brief synopsis of weird things my refrigerator has said. A truly amazing appliance, as far as you know. Never underestimate your refrigerator.