Ways to Help Save the Rain Forest

Left to its' own devices, the average Rain Forest would be just fine. Bugs would eat plants, lizards would eat bugs, birds would eat lizards, and the circle of life would continue circling. Unfortunately, inconsiderate humans move in next door to Mother Nature and immediately begin trying to survive.

You can help. Simply add on to your house and invite a well-meaning Rain Forest resident to join you. Put up a room addition with cable TV: there's no cable TV in the jungle. Before you can say 'zoning violation' you'll have oodles of folks who are thrilled to no longer fight with ants the size of soda cans. They will love you and your hospitality.

Next door to the Rain Forest is a place rife with opportunity. Imagine the happiness you will inspire when you open a convenience store directly across the street from a threatened Rain Forest. You can anticipate a steady stream of customers who will be thrilled to browse your aisles instead of battling ants the size of toasters.

No longer will these folks be required to hack down old-growth flora when they can conveniently purchase a hot dog and a Red Bull from you and your convenience store. You can do it. Bring free market capitalism to the teeming masses of subsistence farmers endangering the Rain Forest.

As President, you can legislate away any environmental suffering. With a simple stroke of your Executive Pen you sweep aside intrusion into the forests of rain. No longer will evil corporations and selfish slash-and-burn farmers be able to make a living at the expense of bugs and plants. Ants the size of microwave ovens will thrive once again.

Assemble your campaign. Gather support from Greenpeace, The National Geographic Channel, and The English Department at Yale University. Our Rain Forests anxiously await your support.

You can even start your own political party. The Rain Forest Party could hold rallies in swamps (wetlands, sorry) and collect signatures from frogs and turtles.

Numerous beneficial drugs and treatments have Rain Forest origins. If you stop going to the doctor you will be making a statement against the abuse of ants the size of air conditioners. Show the medical community who is in charge: you don't need cortisone, quinine or novocain.

The next time you need surgery, insist on treatments that do not harm the Rain Forest. Search diligently for holistic hospitals dedicated to save Rain Forests to the exclusion of all else. Insist on drugs and medicines originating elsewhere.

Electric power is distributed through a grid. It's an interconnected series of generation plants, each of which contributes voltage and current. When you plug in your organic food processor or your nose hair trimmer, you can't be sure how those power-giving electrons were generated.

Electricity provided to your home may have originated in a coal-fired plant down by the river or in a hydroelectric plant deep in a Rain Forest. Your house may be connected to a Rain Forest! There's a big thick wire attached to your house: take time out from your busy day to trace it. You may be surprised to learn that it's not attached at the other end to a hamster on a wheel.