Vote For Me

The upcoming election represents an opportunity for your voice to be heard. Your voice may be squeaky and hoarse from sleeping with your mouth open but we are listening. When you cast your vote(s), please consider casting a few for me. I am here to serve you. I am uniquely qualified and highly energized. You won't regret supporting me. Take a few moments to review my humble plea for your consideration.

You and I are just like me. A vote for me may as well be putting yourself in office to represent all that you and I hold dear as we journey together through this thing we call life.

I grew up in your town. My kids attend your schools, not some elitist schools across town. You and I shop at the same local businesses, spending the same denominations of money on identical bags of Frito's. I am probably in line behind you right now. Please shove your toilet paper toward the cashier so I can load my perishables onto the belt.

We hold dear the same values, including family values. My family matters to me more than everything including my family values. A favorite thing for me is sitting on a blanket in a park on a sunny day whilst tousling the tousled hair of my 2.5 children as my spouse gazes on approvingly. We smile together and it makes us closer.

I completely oppose unlicensed badgers running wild in packs through elementary schools.

I am in favor of freedom of choosing things when you want to choose those things. This is valuable to me. Your choice to make a choice or choose not to make a choice is a right that I will defend.

On a typical day I walk closely with unionized police and firefighters grouped tightly together. We stroll intently, closely listening and hearing. Often we gather 'round a police car or even a fire truck to gaze intently into each others' eyes while hanging on every word each of us sincerely says to one another.

I often want more police and I would never dream of the possibility of considering reductions in basic services. You should not have to put up with meth-heads on the corner when you carry your recycling to the curb for free pickup, which I also endorse in the environmental planks of my comprehensive platform.

I am deeply in favor of parallel parking and trees.

When I am elected I will work hard every day to strengthen the Middle Class. The Middle Class is the engine of our marvelous class system. I heartily support middle class concepts and techniques with all my heart. If I was in the Middle Class I would be very good at it. We need to yank the lower classes up to Middle Class status while gently jerking The Rich down to our level.

The Rich need to pay more taxes comprising their Fair Share. Poor people should pay no taxes and Middle Class working families should actually receive money from the government in support of all the wonderful things they do. We should build more Middle Class parks and schools and planned communities.

My roots delve deeply into communal involvement wherein we all benefit. I am a church-going volunteer sports coach (boys and girls because girls deserve the same opportunities as girls) who loves to attend Summer festivals while having a great time. If there is litter on the road in my dearly heartfelt community I always pick it up lovingly and recycle it at a center staffed by local employees who pay taxes.

I will struggle. I will go to the mat with Evil Corporations who hate your guts. I will wrest power from those who would make you eat generic Pop Tarts. Together we will make a better life for you. Already I have a black eye and dislocated jaw from fighting for you: thankfully I am covered by government health insurance.

If you have a job I am and always will be your friend. You can count on me. Working men and women are the finest humans I have ever met in my life. Were I to be stranded on a deserted island I would choose to have working men and women with me. Almost all of my respect is allocated to people who hold jobs and go to those jobs and are also men and women.

Do not, under any circumstances, vote for my opponent. He is a left-handed anarchist who hates model trains. Rumors suggest he once served in the Russian Army. With my own eyes I saw him kick a goldfish.

He will not fight for you. He runs away from butterflies. His cowardice is legendary and he takes weekends off. He accepts bags of cash from Evil Lobbyists. I think he is actively planning to convert to Zoroastrianism.

If you feel that you absolutely must vote, please vote for me. I would do the same for you.