Useful, Funny, Awesome, Beautiful, and Interesting

Shucks. I'm not useful, funny, awesome, beautiful, or interesting in real life.

How do I achieve these high honors throughout this venerable site? Why are my articles frequented by twinkling stars such as MarkEwbie , DrBJ, Peggy W, , and AustinStar?

I don't know. But I plan use at least 750 words telling you about it.

Make yourself useful by publishing recipes. Almost all of us need to eat from time to time. We might easily drive to McDonald's for awesome burgers and fries, but constructing meals based upon online food instructions from bloggers offers an interesting afternoon.

• Grilled Cheese
• Grilled Cheese with bacon

Somehow, in this age of food networks, grilled cheese rises to peak of food people want to cook and watch people cook and read about being cooked. It's OK with me because I like all the ingredients. Adding bacon causes your recipe to rocket up the Google search results because, well, it's bacon.

Quantifying humor rarely succeeds. There's no formula to explain George Carlin. You either own the funny gene or you're Al Gore. Use lots of funny sounding words:

• Purlin
• Squench
• Balderdash
• Rigidity
• Al Gore

I, myself, find myself hysterically funny sometimes. Amusing yourself goes a long way toward amusing others or at least getting others to laugh at you.

Boldly stretch the truth. Juxtapose unlikely caricatures such as a human being and Al Gore. Make fun of those who can't make fun of themselves. Compose a limerick. Copy copious Chuck Norris jokes from the Internet. All these techniques could make you funny. I promise to chuckle: that's a start.

Awesome is as awesome does. High-jumping 7 feet is awesome during Olympic trials but will get you handcuffed in Compton. Strive toward awesome writing.

Use soaring prose bringing to mind the mind of Hemingway before he picked up the shotgun. Pepper your compositions with alliterations and similes bordering on slander. Dance on the razor edge between truth and consequences. Don't stop to think about your writing: just pound those keys. Your mind is aglow with whirling, cosmic nodes of thought careening through a transient vapor of invention. I know this.

Whatever you do, don't steal stuff. They hate that here.

You are already beautiful. Your world under-appreciates you really strongly. If your beauty were a light it would be hidden under a bushel basket. That bushel basket would be on fire from the white-hot light of your inner beauty. People would travel great distances to look at the fire and take notes. Then those people would return home to write epic articles about beauty, fire, and EPA violations.

All this would be inspired by you. Trust not your intuition advising against your beauty. You can't see it because mirrors do not reflect inner beauty. Your responsibility becomes revealing your unseen attractiveness via words, sentences and paragraphs. Whip up a luscious custard of subtle meanings reflecting through ordinary alphabetic symbology. Use numbers if you like.

I'll tell you what's interesting.

Chebyshev's theorem is interesting, as is his empirical rule. Laguerre Polynomials are fascinating. Dr. Edgar Codd turned in amazing research on relational databases. We all owe debts of gratitude to James Gosling for inventing the Java programming language.

Well, that stuff is interesting to me. You just might find yourself tuned in to Kardashian escapades for your dose of daily interest. Tastes do differ. Interesting topics lolling around in my brain could end up putting you to sleep on a roller coaster.

It's a good trick to scope out what's interesting to Google. Ultimately all of us on HubPages crave attention from the Mighty Search Engine. Regardless of our stated motives, we covet high Page Rank numbers and Top 10 appearances. Write about that stuff.

So, here we are. I promised you at least 750 words and we approach that subjectively coveted total together. We've engaged in a journey of the mind.

How was your trip? Was it fun getting here? I trust you learned something about life, love, and grilled cheese.

Go forth and find yourself Useful, Funny, Awesome, Beautiful, and Interesting. It's all in there somewhere. It wants to come out onto your keyboard. The Internet bubbles over with nonsense: your contribution can't make it any worse. I've set the bar very low and I know you can raise it.