Tom Brady SACKED

Tom Brady deflated footballs, or maybe he didn't. After thousands of pages of legal and sciencey stuff, the NFL decreed the New England Patriots quarterback did something wrong. He didn't assault a woman or sell drugs or get indicted for two unsolved murders or display a culturally offensive logo possibly denigrating Native Americans. However, softening a few oblate spheroids rises to the level of a fire-able offense. Lawyers profited, everyone else remains to endure.

Without over-inflated NFL defensive linemen to chase him, Tom Brady must otherwise fill his time. His wife makes more money that he does: there's probably no housecleaning to be done. He certainly won't need to take out the trash or wipe up the little puddle under the basement dehumidifier. Surely he and Gisele have retained a specialist to scoop the gold-plated litter box frequented by their breeding pair of hairless Sphynx kitties.

Subject to a 4 game suspension, Tom Brady must maintain proper aerobic fitness. In anticipation of his return to The National Football League a strong healthy muscular core will stand him in good stead. A reel mower provides endless opportunities for working out in the backyard of his palatial estate.

Unlike gasoline-powered lawn mowers that pollute the environment and cause icebergs to melt in Antarctica, a reel mower runs on human sweat. Tom can dodge mole hills while carrying a fully inflated football. He can hand-off to neighborhood children and their nannies. Nothing whiles away Sunday afternoons better than manually mowing down blades of grass like they were Indianapolis Colts.

QB Brady will eventually end his career, or a defensive lineman will end it against his will. Brady will be looking down the barrel of a long retirement. He's going to require activities designed to keep his mind occupied without stressing his arthritic knees.

Developing software applications for mobile devices is a secondary career path requiring sedentary activity. Sitting behind his oaken desk while tickling his keyboard, possibly wearing his 4 Super Bowl rings, Tommy can busy his brain without causing edema to accumulate in his aging ankles.

Who among us would not download and install an application coded by an MVP quarterback? Even if it's buggy, millions of sycophants wait patiently online for beta versions. It could be an app that calculates calories burned throwing a touchdown pass or graduating from The University of Michigan.

My goodness, the man must have a lot to say. After playing for noted Head Coach William Stephen "Bill" Belichick Tommy certainly longs to reveal long-supressed feelings shoved deeply into his psyche like an elbow to the helmet by J. J. Watt. Dear reader, this author just checked: there is no HubPages account called TomBrady. Surely this is a sign. Surely the stars have aligned in such a way that Tommy will shortly join our cadre of compositors.

I, for one, welcome Tommy and his cornucopia of anecdotes from the locker room. We happily make room for him on this venerable content mill. None of us, as far as we know, has won four Super Bowls or married a super model, let alone both at the same time.

Even blindingly handsome families generate some dirt. This particular filth appears as golden dust bunnies but on the whole still reflects badly on the neighborhood. Cars are not parked outside but inevitably a Mercedes or a platinum Smart Car accumulates grunge. Cleaning is obligated.

None of us wants to live in a neighborhood replete with unsightly dirt. To that end, Tommy would behoove himself to master the Breathing Mobile Washer Hand Operated Washing Machine. Precious few of us take time to achieve high skill levels with such a contrivance. I know, representing only myself, that I would be pleased to wake up and see an All-Pro quarterback scrubbing his gutters across the street. Unlikely it is that Tommy will end up living in my cul-de-sac. I can dream, can't I?

Even the most privileged children attending birthday parties catered by L’Espalier will want balloons. Tommy obviously finds himself blessed with the lung capacity of a professional athlete, albeit a football player and not a Tour De France cyclist. His probably prodigious lungs would be put to good use during his 4-game suspension as a balloon-blower-upper.

Party balloons brighten up any gathering, even a Super Bowl Party. All guests secretly crave inflated favors to transport home them in their imported family SUVs. A 90K Range Rover driven by Jason Statham increases in fun quotient when the backseat is packed with colorful balloons expanded by Tom Brady's expelled CO₂.

In conclusion, I conclude the time spent away from professional football should be well-spent. Tommy Brady would do well to consider applying himself to reel mowers, writing on HubPages, Developing Apps, and cleaning the neighborhood.