The videos that Obama doesn't want you to see

Deep in the bowels of the White House, where tourists never tread even before sequestration, can be found a secure room. State-of-the-art monitors and communication equipment festoon every available square inch. Highly trained technicians much more trustworthy than Ed Snowden hover over computer terminals. What happens in this room stays in this room.

It's the White House movie room. It's where our President views crucial videos such as Cleopatra Jones and Christmas Vacation. He also watches YouTube videos, many of which may or may nor be controversial. Most American citizens do not know that the entire administration lives in fear of a handful of unimaginable videos becoming available to average taxpayers.

Yes, this is this list of videos that The President doesn't want you to watch.

Illyria Prep is a happening place replete with soccer players and girls. If you're the new girl on campus you probably have enough on your plate without masquerading as a dude so you can stalk the coolest guy ever to sit in your Algebra class. He's crushing on some else who isn't dressing up like a boy. It all ends in hilarity and not a little social embarrassment for everyone involved. Amanda Bynes stars as misguided but concurrently well-meaning Viola Hastings who turns out to be a really good boys soccer player.You'd be confused too, if your parents named you after a bowed string instrument slightly larger than a violin and shipped you off to Illyria Prep.

The President doesn't want you to watch this because it's 1:45 you could spend picking out a health care plan or joining AmeriCorps. Amanda Bynes, as far as anyone knows, has never stolen state secrets or traveled to a hostile nation to bargain for hostages. We thank her for that.

Our President may have it right on this one. While the Patriot Act wasn't originally intended to restrict peaceful Americans from really bad movies, an exception might be made for this cinematic dreck. Better you should parade down 1600 Pennsylvania avenue carrying Save the Whales sandwich boards than waste your time deciphering whatever is happening here.

Tom Cruise reprises his semi-epic role as Ethan Hunt, probably because he has a boat payment due. Our favorite diminutive spy comes to blows with a dangerous and inconsiderate arms dealer while trying to keep his identity secret in order to protect his secret girlfriend from secretly being killed, or something like that. We're not actually sure what happened.

Al Pacino gained fame a fortune portraying Michael Corleone in The Godfather. Very possibly no other film spawned as many oft-quoted lines. It won an Oscar for Best Picture and Pacino should have stopped right there and gone fishing. Eventually his career descended into the pre-recorded disaster that is 88 Minutes.

It's not a story of a close-knit family extorting and killing for a living while eating Italian food. Rather, Pacino half-halfheartedly portrays Jack Gramm, an academic forensic psychologist tormenting his students while saving the world from good acting. He lives by his own rules, like Dick Cheney. He also has nice hair and fiercely distracting eyebrows.

In the end, everyone's pretty much dead but Gramm seems intensely uninterested. Pacino must have used up all his range in Godfather III. His face never changes expression throughout 88 Minutes. When the leading man doesn't want to be there, we need our President to intervene for us.

Federal legislation may be able to eliminate affordable health care, but wiping out excess cat videos proves problematic. Even our dedicated elected officials fall short. We cannot send the best men and women to Washington with this burden. It is incumbent upon all of us to work together toward this noble goal.

For unfathomable reasons, sentient humans persist in posting digital renderings of cats at a far greater rate than the general public can process. No one watches these videos but everyone uploads them. Inexpensive mass-storage devices were believed to be a good thing until scientists realized that cat videos abhor a vacuum.

Your president needs your help. Go outside and play.