Stuff you can get me for Christmas

We all know someone who wants something. They usually don't deserve it, but I do. After all the time I've spent crafting over 800 hubs for you and your family, it's time for you to give back. In the interest of efficiency I have engineered a handy list of presents for you to buy for me for Christmas.

Whip out your Hello Kitty credit card and get to work. The satisfaction you will soon enjoy should not be delayed, unless you need to do something else for me in the meantime. I stand ready to accept your thoughtful gifts. That's my gift to you.

When I bounce down the staircase on Christmas morning, I want to be greeted by the scent of deliciously expensive coffee pooped out by a mostly nocturnal mammal native to tropical Asia and Africa. Order up a few pounds of civet coffee and give it to me. It's wild and it's organic, which may be the understatement of the year. You can have some too.

I may already have several of these vehicles, as far as you know, but I plan to graciously accept your gift as if is was my first luxury sports car. On Christmas day you and I will cruise down the mostly deserted boulevard and be first in line at the self-serve car wash. Be sure there's sufficient change in the cupholder: I will require the under-body wash and the premium wax package.

My well-manicured wrist requires adornment at your expense. Shop online for a high-tech chronograph suitable for me. I need numbers and buttons and interfaces with external devices. This device should record my bodily metrics and publish them on the Interweb for all to enjoy. I plan to participate in a marathon on the coming year: don't let me down.

As a normal person, I need a place to store my digital bits. A portable hard drive provides the optimal ensconcement technology. All my photos and videos and compositions as well as email from friends in Nigeria should fit nicely into a portable terabyte hard drive. You don't want me to lose my files, do you? Could you live with yourself if I had to stop writing hubs in order to perform complicated data recovery procedures?

Without question I could split my own logs. On the other hand, providing me with a hydraulic log splitter ensures that I will have time to stay indoors and contribute more writing to cyberspace. Were I to employ a sledge hammer and a wedge, I might contract a blister. My typing could be hampered.

This handy device splits my logs for me, leaving me with time to brew a pot of civet coffee and bake cookies for Santa. That should be what you want for me.

I do understand than many of you are still paying off the gifts you gave me for my birthday. To that end, I proffer this suggestion: buy me a box of paper clips. One hundred of anything is better than nothing. Each time I semi-permanently join a sheaf of papers, I will think fondly of you and your thoughtfulness.

When you give me a gift, it's the thought that counts, at least until I try to return it for store credit.

As you may know, some of you have already given me these gifts. Here is a list of supplemental suggestions from which you can't go wrong.

I'm here to help!