Spinning Our Future

Fretting over the future represents the 3rd least popular activity in modern society. Politicians promise positive outcomes if only we grant them our votes and our campaign contributions. Spinning the future is a guaranteed component of every stump speech and county fair baby kissing publicity opportunity. Few of us actually know what the future brings, but we can all stock up on goods and services guaranteed to make our collective and individual futures palatable.

Our future world promises no shortage of pink fluffy stickiness when a cotton candy spinner stands at the ready. There's no need to traipse off to the circus or visit the local WalMart: simply order up your own personal cotton candy machine. It's quick and easy. This item makes a great gift for forlorn clowns who see no future in their chosen vocation. Nothing cheers up the neighborhood quite like windblown sugar wrapped around a hollow paper cone.

Enterprising engineers adapted spinning technology to scrub flat surfaces in our homes. High speed air, water, and brushes move in a counter-clockwise ballet, concurrently picking up unwanted floor detritus. Simply dump the debris in the back yard when no one's looking. Problem solved.

This unit includes both wet and dry cleaning systems. An eight foot hose allows you to reach out to grubbiness up to eight feet away from the main unit. It's belt-less because belts are bad for vacuum cleaners unless they are designed to use belts.

Our future world trends toward miniaturization. Spinning water, in it's proper place, offers mechanical advantages. This amazing device leverages the power of hydraulics and tininess to scrub your clothes clean. Hook it up to a water source, an electricity source, and a laundry soap source: that's all you need.

Leave it in front of the TV so you can do laundry and catch up on your soaps at the same time. Forget traipsing up and down the basement stairs to tend to a behemoth when all you need to clean is your favorite tuxedo. Unshackle yourself from the shackles of non-portable washing machines,

When company comes, quickly tuck it behind the couch. Try that with a full-sized Lady Kenmore.

Our common future probably doesn't pivot on the promise of dry salad, but the knowledge that you can dry your salad through strategic application of centrifugal force certainly makes getting out of bed in the morning easier. Whirl your water chestnuts, rotate your romaine, and sequentially squeeze the moisture out of your spinach. It all tastes better when it's all not soggy.

Hearken back to the carefree days of the 1990's when it was legal to talk on the phone, apply make up, check your email and steer with the other hand using a specially engineered spinner knob. All the cool kids were doing it, until nature selected them for extinction or they got jobs at McDonald's.

This spinning class for backyard rodents will keep your furry friends busy all Winter. Simply jam an ear of corn (not included, but constantly renewing) onto each arm. Gravity and the squirrel's natural lack of basic physics will do the rest.

It seems cruel, but chipmunks and squirrels have a twisted sense of humor. Add an HD web cam and you just might wake up one day as a YouTube millionaire. NBC is always looking for more content.

Should your future include feeding yourself by living off the land or lounging near a well-stocked fishing hole on a lazy Summer weekend, or both, but probably not both, consider investing in several spinning reels.

All fishing reels spin, but not are all called spinning reels. Fishermen are an obtuse bunch, no doubt.

I don't know what this is. It looks like something to anchor a circus tent in a tornado. I think we used these in the back yard when the dog needed to be tethered. If you know what this is, you know you obviously need several of them immediatly. Don't wait.

Our planet's future may depend on being able to screw things together. An industrially powered screwdriver could replace gold as the investment of choice for forward-thinking futurists and aspiring carpenters. When society collapses upon itself you will gladly trade your worthless bling for working power tools. This unit easily drives 1" to 2" screws through hardwoods. A manual screwdriver gives you blisters.

Don't let your life spin out of control. We all need to pull together and begin spinning our future in a proper direction.