Some Gifts if You're Blue

Indeed, none of us have a handle on everything happening around us. Sometimes the world seems too complicated, sometimes we need to put on a tinfoil hat as ostensible aliens close in.

Here are just a few thoughtful gifts for yourself or that blue person in your life. Reach out with your credit card to touch the contorted heart of those who need serious consideration. Take a moment to peruse our choices: you probably won't be too disappointed.

When the world gets too loud and those voices in your head demand all your attention, slip on a pair of expensive headphones. Crank up whale sounds or soothing computer-generated waterfalls or a Donald Trump campaign speech. Soon your trouble will fade.

These headphones cure blue-ness as quickly as you can plug into your iPhone and crank up Spotify. No one ever felt sad while wearing headphones that cost more than a dinner for 4 at Outback Steakhouse.

Certified Refurbished Beats Headphones are even more desirable because someone else left their karma in the earpieces and it will rub off onto your lobes.

It's hard to imagine whales cutting albums in a studio, but whoop, there it is. Historically, whales have been air-breathing mammals that eschew organized recording sessions. Somehow enterprising producers coaxed especially talented whales into combining their talents. Taylor Swift wrote none of these sounds: the whales were already signed to a different studio and crucial details could not be resolved.

Creative differences aside, this CD of whale sounds cures blue feelings when blasted through Beats Headphones or waterproof Bluetooth speakers in the shower. The sound of the shower combines particularly well with what whales have to say. Order a copy of this CD and give it to anyone who is blue because of something in their lives.

If you think your life is falling down around you, be thankful you don't live in Detroit. This heart-rending tome will rend your heart while providing perspective on whatever makes you blue. This author found himself/herself forever effected by what passes for normalcy in what was once the most important city in the world.

Charlie LeDuff grew up in Detroit and offers a unique perspective on his home town as it implodes from poor government and rotten economical factors. You might not feel so bad about your predicament after reading this. Put on the Beats Headphones, turn on the whale sounds and engross yourself in the book.

Perhaps your current attitude toward your current state of affairs stems from inabilities to coexist. Many years ago, Dale Carnegie penned the epic tome that has since changed lives all around this little blue marble we call Earth.

Did you know that a vast majority of folks prefer not to be called 'troll' ? This may appear as common sense fundamentally sound baseline thinking but, no, some of us overlook this salient fact. Extensive research indicates most people prefer not to be insulted. An insult, once deployed, tends to bring about blue-ness.

Spend some minutes with Dale Carnegie and his book. You will find yourself to be a different person within a short time.

A blue person may simply be searching for a means of expression. You could join the NBA but unless you're 6' 10" with a deadly mid-range jumpshot, your duties will be limited to swabbing sweat from the court during time stoppages. A better outlet could be painting by numbers.

This handy kit contains a pre-numbered monochrome image conveniently subdivided. All you need do is match colors with numbers and dab your brush. No one will judge you, unless you try to sell your creations outside an NBA arena. We recommend hanging your artistic endeavors in your basement. Sunlight tends to fade your primary colors.

Of all the pocket pets, gerbils tend to mitigate blue feelings most effectively. A cute little rodent scurrying to and fro always delivers elevated serotonin levels.

Augment your gerbil habitat with gerbil-specific accoutrement such as wheels, shredded newspaper, and that inscrutable upside-down water bottle that seems to defy physics. Gerbils also adore carrots. You can't give a gerbil too many carrots.

They might also like to hear whale sounds but don't try to put the Beats Headphones on their little ears. If you feel comfortable with your gerbil. hold it gently next to your left ear and it will listen to the whale sounds from the other side of the headphone. The stereophonic effect is lost, but gerbils have notoriously grateful spirits and you will undoubtedly benefit from the experience.

In conclusion, don't encourage me. I can write this stuff all day long.