Presidential Gift List for Christmas

Signing legislation into law is much more fun with a quality writing device. No self-respecting Executive Officer wants to convene a signing party in the The Rose Garden and whip out a 19-cent Bic pen for all the world to see. We all know what can happen when the presidential children need school supplies: national security could suffer.

Washington was built on a swamp. Humidity can get fast and furious. Soggy proclamations just might make us appear weak and vulnerable. Crease-less khakis do not impress visiting third-world dignitaries. Your president will greatly appreciate a reliable device that sits quietly in the corner of the Oval Office and runs 24 hours a day. Congress should be so lucky.

Magnetic tape can be accidentally erased by well-meaning White House secretaries. Modern presidents prefer the digital convenience of SD cards. Archiving White House activities obligates mass amounts of storage space. No president wants to postpone a press conference because the camera is full. Whether it's a meeting with Congress to hammer out new spending limits or photographing photo ops with the Harlem Globettotters, everything needs to be preserved for prosperity.

Your Commander-in-Chief needs something to do while waiting for North Korea to answer the phone. A classy desk blotter offers hours of doodling entertainment and also provides convenient places to scribble the contact information of lobbyists. The last thing we need is a president who writes on the furniture.

It's easy to overlook what the Founding Fathers intended. Hundreds of cable TV news channels tend to distract. Unemployed protesters gathered just across the street always have a beef. Someone in the EPA wants to ban snail darter soup. All these issues add up to one big annoyance that causes us to overlook why we're here in the first place. Provide your president with a fresh copy of an old document, just in case. It's a great stocking stuffer.

Your president is far too busy to sneak over to Wal Mart for last-minute shopping. There's no place to park the motorcade anyway. You can help out by gifting a few items for his spouse. Look for easy to wrap products that say "I love you and thanks for campaigning for me."

When leaning across the aisle to whisper into the well-manicured ear of a world-leader, bad breath should never be a concern. Armed conflicts have erupted over much less. These handy candies will ensure that Vladimir leaves the summit with pleasant memories of minty freshness and less inclination to oppress his people.