Our Friend the Cucumber

What's green and shaped like a cucumber?

Another cucumber.

If you don't like your eyes, and who does these days, smear some cucumbers on them. Order up minute but expensive quantities of concentrated potions designed to help people enjoy your eyes more. Cucumber extract doesn't make the cucumber all that attractive, except perhaps to another cucumber, but it just might be what you're looking for.

The things can grow in your back yard. Who knew? Dig a little hole and drop in some of these seeds. A little Miracle Gro couldn't hurt. Sooner or later a vine attached to a healthy cucumber will begin to form. It's amazing and it's organic, sort-of like Congress.

A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose and another in his left ear.

"What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor.

The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."

Evidently cucumber squeezings are good for more than just your eyes. You can smear the stuff all over your outer skin to improve it. Your skin will benefit also.

Look for bottles with subtle hipster labeling. These kinds of people know their cucumber from a hole in the ground. Don't get anything with alcohol in it because cukes can't handle their booze.

This just keeps getting better.

You can have your baby smell like newborn cucumbers. Never mind lavender or baby powder or minty freshness: this product outsmells them all. Order a case for the expectant parents in your co-op.

Why did the cucumber blush?
It saw the salad dressing.

When the government outlaws guns, only sous-chefs will have salad shooters. Stock up on this amazing mechanical device before The Food Channel depletes the niche. When the market collapses you'll only be able to order Chinese salad launchers and off-brand cucumber catapults. It's all fun and games until we wake up one morning with nothing left but a paring knife.

There's not much left to say, but we'll say it anyway. Look no further for cutting-edge cucumber products than this: cucumber water.

It's water and it smells like fresh cucumbers. You're supposed to drink. It's nature's original refresher, except it's way more expensive and it's got cucumber bits in it. Original cave-men would venture out of their hovels in search of tasty pterodactyl and cucumber water on-tap. They sometimes found the pterodactyl.