Make Yourself Better

Everyone likes you, but we'd adore you if you made a few simple changes. Making yourself better comes at a price, but aren't you worth it? Take some time to look into an extraordinary list of products and services virtually guaranteed to boost social standing and pump up your social volume.

We've done the work: Dr. Phil and Dr. Oz can't compete with our shopping guide. Whip out your credit card before it expires again.

The first rule for getting us to like you is: don't stink. Sprinkle yourself with something designed to attract us. Order gallons of the stuff and give it away as gifts to your stinky friends. They will get the hint real fast when they unwrap a bottle of sweet-smelling liquid for their 4th of July present.

Men should smell one way and women should smell another way, but they all should smell good. Make yourself better in the olfactory area.

Everyone loves clothes. We rarely leave the house without them, but so many of us simply put on whatever Mom laid out the night before. Take charge of your outerwear choices by ordering several pairs of jeans.

Jeans comfortably fit into any occasion from a job interview in a coal mine to a job interview at a jeans store. No one ever got fired for wearing jeans, although some people have been left at the altar, but that was probably for the better anyway and don't ask us how we know.

Improve your self-improvement quotient by donning a new pair of jeans.

Rolling up to the trendy club in a hooptie that is less than fly may reduce our inclination to like you. We want to like you, but you can't improve yourself if the gas in your tank cost more than the vehicle it powers. Shop online for trendy vehicles designed by really cool engineers with computers and girlfriends.

You can improve yourself with a new car or an antique car. Try to get one that runs consistently and is legal in all 50 states.

Sure, we all have clocks in our phones and our computers and in our pacemakers, but unless your wrist sports a trendy watch, you may as well stay home and laugh out loud to reruns of The Dukes of Hazard. Trust us, we will all think much more highly of you if you have a watch on at least one bony forearm.

Research indicates watches exist for women, men, and children. Identify into which category you fall. Mentally retain that category, then order a watch to match. If you need help, ask.

Three daily hours of Rush Limbaugh is sufficient: mix in some music to give us a reason to like you. Make yourself better by pouring aural sensations into your ear holes. Everyone likes someone who spends big bucks on online tuneage.

Order 45s, 78s, 33 1/3s, cassettes, 8-tracks, CDs, and music installed on flash drives shaped like Paul McCartney. It's all good and it's all going to coax yourself into a place where we like you better.

Boots represent the epitome of foot fashion. You need not be an astronaut or a member of The Village People. Two strategically donned boots always increase positive feelings between us and you. No one actually wants to see your feet or even your ankles.

You may be surprised at how much easier it is to work on a construction site when you swap out the flip-flops. Proper footwear make a big splash at pool parties and reduces crippling injuries when racing motorcycles. No one likes a crybaby in the back of an ambulance.

You can't swing a dead cat these days without kitting someone who bent down to lace up their boots and stood up without first looking around. All those people will like you better if you put down the cat and remodel your kitchen.

Bright shiny fixtures can be ordered online and installed by skilled craftspeople in your town, but probably should be installed directly in your kitchen. Look for faux granite counter tops and authentic wood cabinets. Select stainless steel appliances guaranteed to please those who would judge you.

All the cool kids wear backpacks these days. No self-respecting social climber would consider attending a mall opening or an ascent of K2 without proper gear slung over one or more shoulders.

Rest assured that we are watching you. We carefully observe the brand of pack into which you slide your reusable water bottle. Self improvement cannot be realized without proper packing.

Nearby strangers illustrate their propensity to care about you by suggesting "get a clue" as you run a red light or order double-digit amounts of White Castle sliders. Unfortunately, they rarely hang around to expand upon their advice because their parole officer is waiting.

You can find a clue online. Order as many clues as you like: we will make more.

It's up to you now. We've executed the heavy lifting. If you really really want us to like you, order stuff.