I'm a Prepper, You're a Prepper

We've seen them at the wholesale club, stocking up on generic shotgun shells and dehydrated potatoes.

They are Doomsday Preppers.

These folks want to be fully prepared when something really bad happens. They know that our currency will be valueless and roving bands of zombies will make standing in line to buy lottery tickets very inconvenient.

It's problematic to buy stuff for Preppers. We short-sighted people simply can't relate to the veritable plethora of goods and services necessary to properly outfit a bunker hidden deep in the hills of a lightly traveled state park. Sure, they deserve birthday presents and Fourth-of-July gifts, but knowing what will touch their heart proves challenging.

Here are some gift suggestions for the Preppers in your life. Shop online and shop wisely. Your credit card will be worthless when society collapses upon itself.

A typical Prepper concerns himself with strength-to-weight ratios of structural concrete, but gives little thought to staring at blank walls until society rebuilds itself. You can satisfy the right-brained needs of Doomsday Prepper families by providing them with quality art work to hang on the walls of their heavily reinforced home in in the hills. Keep in mind that government grants will eventually dry up: starving artists will literally be starving artists.

Any visually pleasing stimuli that you thoughtfully provide will be greatly appreciated. Look for soothing pastoral scenes along with broad sweeping vistas that would otherwise be invisible thorough the slit-windows of a stainless steel capsule buried in a hillside.

Sure, dehydrated vegetables will be a staple food while riding out the apocalypse, but everyone needs a little variety. Perhaps a radioactive fish caught in a local stream will be available. Your favorite Prepper population will greatly appreciate being gifted with various varieties of Pringles. These stack-able edibles seem to be specially designed for end-of-the-world snacking. No other salty food lasts so long and tastes so good while taking up so little space. Try to stack a bag of Fritos: it cannot be done.

Numerous cans of Pringles will make the seemingly interminable evenings listening to the howls of feral zombies a little more tolerable. We can't say for sure, but these chips just might arise as a substitute currency when everyone realizes that gold doesn't actually serve any useful survival purpose.

Typical Preppers, which may be an oxymoron, communicate with each other over FaceBook and Twitter. These extremely busy humans simply cannot spare time or bunker space to meet face-to-face. They don't want you to know where their safe room might be, lest you find yourself pounding on the door when Agenda 21 goes into effect and FEMA concentration camps become destination sites.

Consider purchasing FaceBook supplies for your favorite Prepper. When they permanently disappear into the woods you will still be able to write on their wall, at least figuratively. They will thank you, but they still won't open the door for you.

Eventually, every Prepper for Doomsday will want to leave their bunker. They may crave the feeling of fresh rain on their faces or they may need to unblock the air vent after a mutant starling builds a nest in it. Going outside to work or play will be much safer if they can blend in with the indigenous zombies. Your thoughtful gift of Zombie makeup will be much appreciated.

Look for makeup books and kits. Most Preppers do not have advanced makeup skills because, well, they don't know any girls. Even a zombie motif requires a modicum of artistic skill. You can fake the limp and the moan, but unless you demonstrate a pale complexion with random scarring, real zombies will see through your ruse.

Expect most dentists to go out of business shortly after the apocalypse. Most Prepper bunkers are woefully understocked in dental equipment. Available space in a typical hidey hole is consumed with Pringles and dehydrated meals guaranteed to last hundreds of years. You can show your affection for your favorite Prepper by providing portions of mouthwash. Eventually society will reconstruct itself. Survivors will emerge from their bunkers: bad breath will not endear them to the clan on the next hill. The person with the whitest teeth will be elected president of the provisional government, as always.

Prepping for the end of the world inspires thirst. Your favorite pessimists will greatly appreciate cases of Mt Dew in various flavors. It comes in cans and bottles. It's also recyclable: the containers, that is. A good jolt of caffeine might be just enough to get the blast-proof door slammed shut when hordes of uninvited and unprepared humans stop by the bunker for a cup of survival.

Keeping up with the never-ending flow of Mt Dew flavors will not be a problem after Doomsday because there won't be any more new flavors. Cherry-Citrus Horde Red or Wild Fruit Alliance Blue provide much needed stimulation during hard times. Plain old original green is also yummy. One cannot have too much sugar and Calcium disodium EDTA.

Shop on eBay for Prepper paraphernalia. It's all fun and games until vital infrastructure collapses and we scuttle into our bunkers. Be prepared.