How to be more interesting in about 850 to 1000 words

At the risk of being anointed substandard, we present handy tips for ingratiating yourself into the consciousness of those sufficiently fortunate to know you. It's easy. We all need more attention and most of us get what we deserve in the long run. In the short run we get winded and sweaty.

Yes, you may not be acting as interestingly as your Mother always told you. The Internet just might be ignoring you. We're here to help. Peruse these conveniently handy steps to become what you always thought you might be going to turn into. You can be all that you can be.

No one is more interesting than you. Who is the first person you think of when you wake up every morning? When you look in the mirror, does a little tingle run down your spine?

Everyone wants and needs to hear about you. Don't deny everyone. The most important comment you can make to any sentient human is a sentence that starts with 'I.' That stranger waiting in line with you at Wal Mart secretly wants to know your name, what you had for lunch, and how you plan to pay for all those Miley Cyrus DVDs.

Look for opportunities to expound on yourself. Strategically selected captive audience scenarios such as airline flights and hospital waiting rooms are stellar locations to tell your new best friends about your childhood. Vary your sentence length, maintain eye contact, and block the door when necessary. Everyone will thank you.

Anecdotal research indicates that clothing seems to be a public imperative. To that end, nothing makes you more interesting than dressing appropriately. Boring togs inform the world that you're uninteresting, which is not going to make you any more interesting.

Everything should match. Clashing colors will not inspire people to listen to you. Strangers will remain strangers, making it harder to borrow money from them. Well-fitting color-coordinated shirts and pants not purchased from Goodwill rarely fail to score the last seat on a bus.

We authors adore adorning ourselves in visually engaging accoutrement. Sentient scribblers swathed in Sear's sweaters standing in line at Starbucks show up in all major cities. Alliteration also makes you more interesting.

Talking at people requires deployment of words. Words formed into sentences tend to be significantly more interesting, especially when someone is listening. We prefer really big words.

Deploy massive words whenever possible. No one ever got elected President or dominated Wheel of Fortune by using small words. Your friends will deeply enjoy your intense knowledge of language despite their sagging eyelids: they are merely concentrating on your every syllable.

Scepsis of words notwithstanding, even if you work in a sabbulonarium people will want to share their sapid salmagundi with you. Big words induce salutiferous effects even as sangfroid increases. A well-turned sentence replete with massively syllabic words often overcomes saprostomous issues.

Google loves bulleted lists. Unexpected detection of dots preceding logically ordered phrases causes digital paroxysms across international data centers. It's true because it's on the Internet.

For example, enumerate your favorite interesting tidbits about yourself:

• Birth
• High school graduation
• First car
• Second car
• Third grilled cheese sandwich

All this and more can be yours. Everyone wants to know these things about you and they want just as much to read a bulleted list. Be careful not to accidentally compose standard paragraphs: build structurally sound fragments decorated with dots because you can.

A college education rarely fails to increase the interesting quotient. No one can resist a person in cap-and-gown regalia, especially while standing in line for government cheese. We endorse online education because in close proximity there just might be handy online advertising for such fine institutions.

Look for degree programs offering training in skills that will never go away, such as computer technician and explaining to people why free health care doesn't cover eyelash transplants. Avoid buggy whip repair school.

Many valuable educational opportunities can be paid for with online government funding. The government has all of your money and they are happy to loan it back to you over the rest of your life. A single semester of higher education can be easily financed at shockingly tempting compound interest and penalties. You can get a 5-figure signature loan from the government even though your credit isn't sufficient for a used PS3. It's worth it because you will need a graduate degree to be interesting when you are living in a van down by the river.

Few resist cat media. Simply provide cat anecdotes replete with High Quality images. Our Internet originated with the Department of Defense but cats break down barriers more effectively than missiles. We know this.

Any cat suffices. I prefer my cats because, well, they're my cats. Feel free to substitute your own kitties or borrow my images. Copy all you want: I'll make more.

Writers block is not as painful as other types of blockage, but it only hurts for a little while. In the interest of excreting 850-1000 words we summarize with another vaunted list:

1. Talk about yourself
2. Wear interesting clothes
3. Use big words
4. Summarize
5. Educate yourself

Fun, it has been, to talk with you about making yourself more interesting to the opposite and identical sex. Yes, sex is a word. This handy summary should not be taken as a substitute for the entire article: go back to the beginning. You owe it to yourself.