How to be a Real NASCAR Fan

Your wife left you, your dog died, you're laid off from the car plant. Good news: you're well on your way to becoming a NASCAR fan. Take a few easy steps in to this wonderful world. We're here to help and this carefully enumerated list makes everything easy.

Living in the trailer park puts you square in the epicenter (main place) of NASCAR fandom. You can step outside your door to meet and greet everyone just like you. There's a cookout happening every night because propane is cheaper than a permanent hookup to the the electric company. And you don't need a checking account.

Hot tip: look for a trailer park that lets you drive your motorcycle right up to your front door. Stay away form those places that make you park the hog at the entrance because it's too noisy.

Don't wear just any hat. A bowler or a fedora won't get 'er done. NASCAR fans get married in these hats. Your local haberdashery (sporting goods store) offers never-ending styles designed especially for you and your friends. Stock up an all your favorite drivers.

A used hat rocks even better. Sweat stains increase value and respect in your peer group. Look for driver-worn hats on popular auction sites. If a pit crew member wore the hat, it's all good. No one can differentiate sweat stains. Bid early and often. Friends will stop talking about your dental issues and begin discussing your extensive collection of hats from all their favorite drivers. Any distraction in a mobile home park is welcome.

Ink up! Entry into NASCAR events requires a ticket and a tat'. No one takes you seriously in the infield unless your favorite racing team appears in multicolor splendor across your latissimus dorsi (back). Wearing a tank top should be an adventure in visual splendor if you are a true NASCAR fan.

Don't forget the accessory tattoos on ankles, wrists, forearms, and neck. These little patches of exposed epidermis (skin) offer great opportunities for sponsor logos. We all love to see a Wonder Bread trademark or a Laughing Clown emblem peeking out from under a long sleeved flannel shirt.

A car doesn't need working doors. They reduce structural integrity (make it weaker) and you're always losing the keys anyway. True NASCAR dudes slide in through the window as smoothly as a greased pig. The glass is just a hazard anyway.

Fire up the arc welder and seal off those pesky openings on the sides of your ride. Plasma or oxyacetylene are also very cool and will impress your neighbors in the trailer next door. If your girlfriend really loves you she will hitch up her culottes (pants) and slide in through the passenger-side netting.

It's a great ride down to the drive-through, knowing that your doors can't fling open and spit you out if there's a crash at 140MPH. When you're tradin' paint with the soccer Moms, they will be looking over their shoulder at flimsy sliding doors while you're giving them dust to eat.

Wal Mart is essentially (basically) the church of NASCAR fans. They all meet up there to purchase life-giving snacks before the Big Race and even the little races. Load up your cart with Pringles, Tostitos, Doritos, 5-Hour Energy, and live bait for after the race. All the really good fans go fishing after the race.

You can also get sleeveless t-shirts at Wal Mart. Look in the formal wear department. Be sure to try it on so the tan lines match up with your current wardrobe. We think Hanes is the best brand.

Charge everything on your girlfriend's parent's credit card. It takes over a month for the charges to hit their bill: they'll never know it was you. Everything will be eaten by then, except the t-shirts.

Bolt on a set of custom wheels shod with racing slicks. Tire tread just gets in the way and throw marbles up in the high groove. Real masculine (manly) drivers eschew (reject) any tire that isn't as smooth as Kevin Harvick's head before his hair plugs, allegedly.

Hoosier manufactures some really good slicks. Any set will tell your peer group precisely where you come down in the continuum of NASCAR fanaticism. You want big bold letters on the sidewall that can be read from the infield or across the Wal Mart parking lot.

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