How to Identify a Fake Rolex

Welcome to the Institute for the Painfully Obvious. Today we delve into topics heretofore undelved by modern researchers. Our PhDs, private investigators, and Geraldo Rivera aspirants present foolproof methodologies for discerning the subtle nuances between timepieces.

This vital public service is offered at no additional charge. You may fork over $49 for an artificial Rolex, but the advice provided throughout this treatise includes no added fees, taxes, surcharges, or penalties. Wrist-mounted chronological devices may not be a human right, but imagine your embarrassment when your next fancy-dress party descends into chaos due to inadequate timepiece identification. Imagine your chagrin should your butler demonstrate better fashion sense than your guests.

Rolex represents the epitome of wrist mounted jewelry. Movie stars, billionaires, and secret agents all favor the Rolex brand. A Rolex device provides much more than simple chronological data; it enhances the social status of the wearer. You don't have even to know how to tell time in order to wear one. They cost a ton of money. They have a long and distinguished history. Some models boast a back cover that cannot be opened without a factory-provided tool.

It's difficult to comprehend, but Rolex knock-offs proliferate. The classic $49 dollar Rolex appears on innumerable web sites. Common folks crave the pseudo-status offered by off brand reproductions of otherwise unattainable wrist wear. Hundreds of web sites offer watches purported to be of the Rolex milieu. A simple Google search provides bucketloads of offshore vendors poised to provide faux Rolex clocks to wear on your body.

1. It's on sale next to a box of corn flakes.

Your local supermarket probably doesn't stock the Rolex Datejust, Oyster, or Submariner. As you browse the 42 varieties of cereal at your local Wal Mart, be alert for Rolex semaphores offered at eye level. Resist the temptation to drop one into your cart. Consider the explanation required to justify your purchase:

Your parole officer: "Hey, that's a nice Rolex. Where'd you get it?"

You: "It was on sale next to the Honey Oat Cheerios."

2. It's worn by someone standing in line to buy a corn dog.

We all love the county fair, but we hardly expect to encounter internationally recognized timekeeping devices. As you wait patiently for your walking taco and gallon of Mountain Dew, glance casually at the bony wrists of your fellow line dwellers. Any devices labeled 'Rolex' almost certainly represent the state of the art in unauthorized duplication. Don't hold it against them; Tilt-a-Whirl tickets cost money too.

3. It's spelled Rylex, Rulex, Roleks, or Timex.

Researchers at the IPO (Institute for the Painfully Obvious) have concluded that established companies rarely misspell their brand name on their product. Based on anecdotal evidence and empirical quantitative reasoning, spelling counts.

4. It costs $49.

Duh. Most consumers want to think they're getting a bargain. Rolex marketers don't care about those consumers. Rolex marketers cater to uber-rich folks with more money than brain cells. If you feel inclined to inquire as to the cost of your next Rolex, you've already identified yourself as unable to afford it. Only in downtown Tehran does a $4000 item go on sale for $49.

5. It comes free with a used car.

Some consumers are willing to accept that Big Bob's Car Mart maintains a cache of Real Rolex Yachtmasters in the break room and adds one to the glove box of each pre-owned creampuff. James Bond drives an Aston Martin, not a used Cavalier.

Spend your money wisely. Adorn your wrists with Rolex products.