How to Buy Culture on eBay

Modern humans no longer need venture into a museum or opera house to achieve culture. Numerous online sources offer copious volumes of experiences and products virtually guaranteed to pump up the cultural quotient of any Internet surfer. We have evaluated appropriate auctions provided through eBay.com: herein we present a sampling of popular opportunities. Whip out your credit card, open a free eBay account, and begin bidding.

Do you crave a tad more culture? Do clerks laugh at you behind your back when you stride confidently into McDonald's and mispronounce "Egg McMuffin"? Do you have trouble following Oprah's train of thought? We're here to help. Our highbrow products are virtually guaranteed to pump up your social standing.

Cultural hoodies replace tuxedos and top hats as the apparel of choice for upwardly mobile would-be derelicts. People will stride confidently away from you when they see you garbed in an oversize sweatshirt with integrated hood. Our next president will probably be inaugurated in such fashion.

Adidas makes them. Do you need to know more? We didn't think so. No other sports apparel manufacturer typifies cultural stereotypes in a more cultural way. Not even Nike and Reebok put together rival the societal archetypes put forth by Adidas.

Look for models that include clashing colors in the liner and the outer shell. Chicks love that.

Nothing screams intense culture more than squeezing into a pair of blue jeans and strutting the red carpet to attend opening night at the Opera. Picture yourself on the cover of a highly accepted haute couture magazine such as People or Rolling Stone or Gold Miner's Monthly.

Jeans keep your skin safe when culture dangerously wanes, like in K-Mart. Take yourself anywhere and never give a second thought to your social standing.

Nothing bellows culture to your immediate surroundings more loudly than a swim suit. Trips to the beach or the hot springs are much more rewarding when you dress appropriately. If the pool empties out when you put a toe in the water, give a care to how you clothe yourself: everyone is judging you and your bathing suit.

No one wants to be seen in the water with un-cultured swimmers. Shop carefully for special swim suits on eBay options. Wield your account carefully: you must choose, but choose wisely.

When your evening wear is at the dry-cleaner, whip out a culturally correct sweater to top off your ensemble. White is good, gray is great, black is the new navy blue. Everyone looks good in a sweater, but not the same sweater because that would be one really big sweater.

You can go fishing in a sweater or sashay through the grocery store to pick up some Pringles. An evening at the ballet never goes wrong when you're swathed in a sweater. Cultural indices shoot up when the front row of a bowling tournament features sweater-clad screaming fans.

Buttons on a shirt tell the world that you're too cultured to use a zipper. You could pick out a sweater and quickly pull it over your head, but instead you elect to spend a few extra moments each morning manipulating buttons down your front.

People will notice that you're willing to go the extra mile to look fashionable. You will get invited to places that hoodie-wearing socialites rarely ever see.

Sleeves matter also. A shirt with buttons and sleeves virtually qualifies you to run for mayor. Don't leave home without a culturally significant shirt.

Your feet do so much for you. Provide them with a modicum of culture before they up and walk away. How could you glide elegantly from the carry out window to the picnic table without your culturally-significant feet?

Look to eBay for footwear engineered to make your feet feel like they are on top of the world, figuratively. Bid on ultra-stylish contrivances with built-in fashion and culture. Your feet will feel wonderful about each other.

Books persist, despite alarming proliferation of digital media. iPads and iPods and smart phones and electronic storage devices offer little in the way of culture: we still need our books to neutralize Lady Gaga remixes. A book you can hold in your hand trumps sharing ear buds with a stranger on the bus.

Cultural storehouses, books are. Books about culture, doubly so. Order up a tome discussing Roman architecture or the wit and wisdom of Winston Churchill. Bid on pages of poetry so obtuse that they can't help but be cultural. A book will never let you down.

eBay is a wondrous place in cyberspace. A veritable plethora of auctions populate every corner of fashion. Cultural apparel is offered regularly, but don't miss out.

Check our selection every day. Auctions end quickly. Someone else may purchase culture intended for you. Don't be left with second-hand culture when the world has so much to offer.

Trends change, but eBay keeps up. These products may look like junque to you, but tomorrow our selection will be new and fresh all over again. Keep shopping and have fun!