Don't think and drive

Driving represents the most dangerous thing you can do with a car. Properly piloting a motorized steel vehicle requires supreme concentration as well as primary focus. Don't allow yourself to become distracted by activities that might cause your brain to wander as you cruise down the highway.

We present a set of goods and services carefully chosen by our board of experts while safely ensconced in stationary conditions. No squirrels were harmed in the construction of this exposition. No turtles, birds, armadillos, or suburban rats (deer) were run over while this thoughtful compendium was composed.

Nothing will consume your brain activity more efficiently than deciphering Dr. Stephen Hawking's seminal work. This tome may have possibly caused more auto accidents than any other scientific paperback currently in print. We want you to read it, but not while driving.

Pick up a copy for your reading room, but not for your Rambler.

A good score on the SAT (Scholastic Aptitude Test) could possibly mean the difference between community collage and gainful employment at McDonald's. We want you to succeed, but not at the expense of your auto insurance deductible. Your brain cannot think and drive at this level.

Pick up a copy and hide it in the trunk until you get home. Out of sight is out of mind.

Sufficiently challenging, it is, to keep your jitney between the white lines. Combining that thought-provoking activity with word games or word problems presents a recipe for crumpled body panels. Resist the urge to browse the chapter containing unordered lexicographic enumerators when you get behind the wheel. Thinking and driving simply do not mix. Until Google imposes upon us a robot-driven car, you'll have to settle for solving these problems from the safety of your sofa.

Yes, you can swallow a simple pill-shaped pill to ostensibly enhance your thinking power. However, this recipe has not been tested under driving conditions: build your brain from the safety of your kitchen cupboard rather than on I75 at 80mph. Nosh as many brain pills as you like as long as you're sedentary while doing so.

Don't keep a bottle in the car. Simply reaching for the bottle and defeating the child-proof cap may result in serious driver distraction. Don't even think about retrieving that lost pill somehow wedged under the brake pedal.

No one said it better than Dr. Seuss, and you can bet that he wasn't driving when he composed his classic advice. Stick this banner on your car, but don't obscure your view of the road.