Don't Buy This

Should you find yourself flush with cash, tuck it into your mattress. The bedbugs promise not to spend it: they can't get a wireless signal anyway. Herein we present a veritable cornucopia of products not to be purchasef under any circumstances.

Hang on to your cash. You can't buy friends any time of the year, let alone Christmas. When heading out for the mall, take this list with you. Crumple it into a ball and hurl it at Santa rather than plopping onto his lap. Swing by the food court to enjoy a soft pretzel while everyone else maxes out their credit cards. Don't mortgage your future simply because your best friend wants chinchilla slippers or electronic hats.

Unless you make your living on the PBA tour, resist the urge to own your own ball. Unless you appear on ESPN 2 opposite the Super Bowl, keep your money in your pocket. No one actually needs a personal bowling ball when every bowling place provides free balls. You don't need to wax it, polish it, or worry about dropping it: the thing is round and rolls down the bowling aisle as well as any ball that might be purchased online. When finished, put it back in the rack and wander home. Spend your money on nachos with extra cheese.

Every steering wheel ever constructed came with a built-in cover. Even the most extravagant Formula 1 car doesn't need this luxury item: your 1976 Vega is not that special. Should you find your hands soft and pliable to the extent that a steering wheel abrades your elegant epidermis, think about hiring a chauffeur or participating in a modicum of manual labor.

Your phone has a clock. Your pacemaker, stove, microwave, car radio, computer, iPod, iPad, and television each include a clock. You can't get away from clocks and almost all of them are usually accurate. Should you find yourself clockless and your Hello Kitty wrist watch has somehow failed and no one in your circle of close friends will give you the time of day, phone up the United States Naval Observatory and ask to speak with their Master Clock. Skilled naval observers stand by 24 hours a day, ready to set you straight. Seriously, dial 202-762-1401 for free time.

When you purchase coat hanger-compatible clothing, it arrives wrapped around an appropriate coat hanger. None of us needs to supplement what should be an already optimum number of coat hangers in their clothes closet. Unless you plan to sew your own clothes, skip the coat hanger department of your local closet supply store. Resist the urge to spend money on items of which you already own sufficient quantities.

Unless you are using coat hangers for unapproved applications such as breaking into locked vehicles or unclogging recalcitrant drains or serving shish kabobs for Christmas, don't whip out your credit card when tempted by a particularly attractive coat hanger display at Target.

You're not fooling anyone when you walk to the mailbox sporting a new pair of welding gloves. Your neighbors won't believe you're a professional welder or a fashion maven if they shake hands with you at the PTA meeting only to grasp a fistful of welding glove. Resist the temptation to partake in this short-lived fashion trend. The supply of such accoutrement is limited: lifelong welding experts struggle to find appropriate hand protection even as you're scheming to get noticed at the office Christmas party.

Few of us will ever awaken one morning to find ourselves in the Swiss Army. Even fewer of us will ever need the veritable plethora of tools engineered into the average Swiss Army Knife. Should you be tormented by the universal need for a specially designed hand tool with a built-in toothpick, order up a box of individual toothpicks. Have you ever seen a toothpick with a built-in knife? We thought not.

You may not know that enlistees in the Armed Forces of Switzerland are issued their own Swiss Army Knife upon their first day of duty. You don't need to prepare yourself for your call-up. You won't get promoted to Assistant Regional Manager because the breast pocket of your Perry Ellis Men's Viscose Linen Sport Coat sports the distinctive bulge of an authentic Swiss Army knife.

If your feet chill, put on another pair of socks. The chinchilla needs to stay warm, thank you very much. Chinchilla Shoes probably won't fit you anyway because, well, a chinchilla is a tiny ratlike creature and you're ostensibly a sentient human being. Your foot isn't shaped like their foot. You'll only frustrate yourself and annoy the rodent.