Back to School Preparedness

You may not be going back to school, but you probably know someone who is. Perhaps you don't actually know someone going back to school but you certainly know someone who went back to school. Any movement toward any school at any point in the current or past tense is relevant.

These people going back / having gone back to school certainly need to be prepared. There is stuff to purchase and hair cuts to be obtained. These days none of us simply stroll back to school on the first day without regard to being ready for such an event.

Studies indicate shopping consumes more time than homework: that shopping must be initiated 'ere the school year begins lest erstwhile students find themselves woefully unprepared. This handy article prepares you to get prepared.

Challenging, it can be, to attend school in the face of bad weather. A school day that is too hot or too cold causes classes to be cancelled by school administrators. You, as a sentient human, need to know the weather and you need to know it now. A weather radio presents innumerable opportunities for obtaining crucial information regarding atmospheric conditions.

Don't be the last to know. Don't find yourself idling at the bus stop in three feet of blowing snow ignorant to the fact that school was closed by the Superintendent 2 hours prior. Keep a weather radio handy at your bedside and in your kitchen and adjacent to your arc welder.

How Does It Work?

It's simply amazing. Hard-working radio waves stream into your house all day long. Many of these waves bear with them up-to-date weather information. This information originates in the minds and instrumentation of government agencies tasked with keeping you safe. The US Weather Service administers our weather every day of the calendar year. Your weather radio samples these radio waves, converting them into audible symbolology compatible with your inner ears. It's like magic, except it's mathematically understood.

Schools tumble into disrepair all across the fruited plain. No self-respecting student wants to learn midst rubble. To that end, arriving at the first day of school replete with an arc welder makes acquiring knowledge much easier.

This convenient tool assists in the repair of re-bar, I-beams, and industrial pencil sharpeners. Your student will be the valedictorian of his/her graduating class after only a few uses. The entire school will applaud in gratitude as they confidently perch on bleachers repaired via your personal arc-welder. There are always opportunities for science fair projects as well as ad hoc repairs on the marching band. Simply plug it in and begin welding.

You need apps. Your backpack should be stuffed with apps on the first day of school. Don't board the big yellow government-supplied vehicle with no seat-belts unless you find yourself sufficiently stocked with apps.

There exist apps to do everything and you can find all of them on Amazon. They will not take over your phone and they will not spy on you. A properly sourced and installed app will cause your GPA to skyrocket. No one will sit with you at lunchtime unless you demonstrate proper deployment of germane apps. Word spreads quickly at school: an app-less student is a pariah who will end up in Community College.

Beware that an app may take over your phone and do unspeakable things with it. Our cyber world boils over with ill-tempered programmers looking to cause you no end of trouble on the first day of school. You might download and install a killer app that looks up your classes online and shows you a map to navigate campus. You might find an app ostensibly intended to easily acclimate you into the college lifestyle by flagging high-caffeine beverages at the local convenience store. You could even stumble upon a social media application permitting you to network with your peers in specific classes. These apps might seem splendidly wonderful. On the other hand, these apps could be spying on you. Take a close look at the permissions you grant when you click "Install." You may be allowing offshore hackers access to your phone logs, photos, text messages, and ringtones. None of us wants to wake up to Justin Bieber when we were expecting Cheap Trick Live at Budokan.

It's easy to plop a Sunny Delight and a bologna sandwich into a paper bag, but this isn't 1985 any more. Self-respecting students want to eat whatever Michelle Obama says we should eat. The lunchroom is no longer a place for french fries.

Mung beans are all the rage in progressive school lunches. If you don't know about the amazing Mung bean, your academic career teeters in the balance. No child will be left behind, but your child will be sitting alone in the drafty corner of the lunchroom unless they come prepared with Mung beans in their Avengers lunchbox.

Every Mung bean is a member of the legume family. As a group, they are native to the Indian subcontinent. They boast a lot of starch and they can be made into edible paste. Look for Mung bean infomercials very soon.

The Mung family of starchy foodstuffs has long been revered as good to eat. Send your child back to school armed with high-energy edibles designed by nature. No one ever passed a Calculus exam after chugging 12 bottles of Monster and forgetting their pencil. Long into the future you will look back with pride because you failed to fail your kid in the arena of eating. Peer pressure matters, but not at the lunch table when college hangs in the balance.

Do you want your kids to earn poor grades? Do you want your progeny enrolling at community college to study pre-business or do you dream of bigger and better things like 6-figure debt at Ivy League schools? I know I do. A good balanced healthy diet represents crucial considerations relevant to school success. Even one poorly balanced breakfast could mean the difference between IIT and ITT¹. Don't have that on your conscience.

Mung beans might be all that stands between you and your kids living in your basement. You'll never get that hobby room when bounce back home after failing to succeed in school.

¹ This is an obscure reference but if you got it please let me know. Thanks.

Stock up on school supplies before the first day of school. You'll get only one chance for a first impression during that seminal event. Your social standing hangs in the balance.

Pencils and calculators and notebooks matter, but everyone will have that stuff. If you want to stand out, stock up on crucial items that no one will expect. I know I will. Refer back to this handy compendium for helpful updates on school supplies. Send your children and yourself back to school supplied with only the finest accouterments.

Shop online for things to stuff into the One Direction backpack. You can't walk into the hallowed halls of learning without socially correct accouterments. SAT scores and Advanced Placement courses may land you at Harvard, but no one will like you.