5 Foods to Never Eat

We all love food. Without food, KFC would be a creepy guy in a white suit. Entire television channels dedicate programming to stuff that we eat. You can watch a show showing other people eating. You can learn to cook from cable TV. What they rarely tell you is what not to eat. Food is celebrated, deified, studied, but never deployed as part of a cautionary tale.

Eat whatever you want, as long as you don't pig out on the following foods. We're here to help. Gnaw on a McDonald's Quarter Pounder (disclaimer: I own stock) rather than indulge from this list.

Nice fresh tomatoes are everywhere: eat them instead. Look for smooth unbroken skins with no mold, bugs, splits, or bites already taken out of them. Tomatoes come with Lycopene and you need that. It's a bright red carotene that your body converts into Vitamin A.

The USDA (United States Department of Agriculture) condoned creation of several designer tomatoes containing enhanced levels of Lycopene. Look for those in juices, sauces, and cherry and beefsteak types. You can also get carotene from carrots, hence the name.

Pieces of cows are everywhere and you are much better off eating bits rather than attempting ingestion of an entire ruminant. Observe that no fast-food restaurant offers "one cow" as a menu line item. That should tell you something. A company with thousands of franchises selling billions of burgers (cow parts) would certainly be inclined to dump the whole beast onto your tray if they thought it was remotely beneficial to you or their bottom line.

The things are just gross. They don't even taste good. Pick out the most shiniest, smoothest, freshest example of your local pomegranate and throw it away. Don't even nibble on it. It has seeds that aren't even called seeds. The seeds are disgusting anyway. I once tried pomegranate yogurt and it had seeds in it. No lie.

Google 'pomegranate' and order the juice or extract or candy bar or aftershave. You'll be just as healthy and there won't be seeds in your smile.

It's a herbaceous annual plant. That sounds gross already. It also costs, like, $15 per pound.

It's a weed and it only lasts 2 days in your fridge. A good can of Pringles lasts years on a shelf at room temperature. If you insist on eating weeds, go out in the yard and pick dandelions. Sprinkle pepper on it and, viola, you have generic arugula. They grow back in minutes and they look very much like arugula. No one will know the difference unless they watch too much Food Channel programming.

A cute furry carnivore swallows coffee beans. Attentive farmers stand by with baskets. The civet poops and a very expensive brand of coffee is born. Whether or not evolution has been indicated is hard to say. The product costs $50 - $100 per bag, for obvious reasons. I hope the farmers get their cut, so to speak.

Don't try this at home under any circumstances. Don't ask for it at Starbucks. They'll laugh at you in the Dunkin' Donuts drive-through.

There ya go: 5 foods to never eat. Additionally, don't eat sugar: it will make you fat, stupid, inattentive, diabetic, old, weak, and toothless. Don't eat fat: it will clog your arteries. Don't eat protein: it tastes terrible and it has an awful texture. Have a drink of water.

Eat whatever you want. This is all in fun. No cute animals were harmed in the writing of this thing. We want you to be happy, we really do.

The best meal is a Pizza Hut pan Pizza with mushrooms and green olives. And green Gatorade.