Do What the President Says

Your country is calling. Deep economic funk can be relieved through online shopping. Heed the pleas of your president : buy stuff. No other online source, except Amazon.com, Overstock.com, and Buy.com offers the veritable plethora of constantly changing offerings. You'll find something to like. Do what the president says: order up a special gift for yourself or your president. Everyone loves a surprise.

Virtually every presidential function or photo-op obligates shoes on both feet. Your commander-in-chief would deeply appreciate footwear picked out especially for him. Scour eBay listings for something that seems appropriate for egg-rolling in the Rose Garden or traipsing from Air Force One to a waiting limousine as cadres of adoring press corps record the event.

We endorse stylish shoes that leave a memorable impression. Every competent president knows that the opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference. Deep in the bowels of the soul of their presidential Press Office they chant the mantra "notice me, notice me." You can help.

Sure, the president probably has a Kindle or twelve that were bestowed upon him by visiting dignitaries from China requesting Super Duper Favored Nation Status. It's up to you to provide specially selected accoutrement designed to trick out a plain Kindle. No self-respecting president wants to be seen reclining in a golf cart browsing a generic Kindle as the other members of his foursome are frisked and background-checked.

Look for Kindle covers trimmed in authentic leather from the president's home state. Pick out colors resplendent of his political affiliation. Whatever you get him, he will like it: that's his job.

Cruising in that specially prepared limousine grows tiresome and annoys Greenpeace. A hybrid vehicle would help your president save the planet while efficiently and reliably sneaking out for a cheeseburger while the wife rakes the White House garden.

Toyota makes a really nice gas/electric vehicle that would look awesome with a presidential seal on the side. The Chevy Volt can be had for a very reasonable price these days.

Every major office holder yearns to participate in athletic activities without Secret Service agents dressed as cheerleaders. Shop for high quality athletic equipment that will look good in the background of Oval Office photographs. Imagine how proud you and your family will be when your recently gifted football appears next to the Secretary of Agriculture as the president signs the next Farm Omnibus Bill.

Spalding and Wilson make excellent footballs. You can find excellent opportunities to order both brands on eBay.

Eight years, or hopefully only four, is a long time to allow your yard to remain fallow. When the president gets home after many long days in the White House, he will have a big job on his hands. Restoring that grass to the glory days when he held his press conference on the sidewalk to announce his candidacy for the highest office in the land will be a major challenge.

A mulching mower would be thoughtful. No one wants to empty a bag of clippings any more. Grass fertilizes itself very well. Look for a 21' or 22" wide mowing deck so the president can maneuver between the ornamental hedges.

Entertainment in the White House consists of CNN, MSNBC, and probably not Fox News. Your president would dearly love to attend a play. If you pay for it, his trip would be even more enjoyable.

An off-broadway show or even an off-off-off-Broadway show in some unknown whistle stop town not even significant enough for a Republican Primary campaign event might be just the perfect relaxing night out for a president. You know he will applaud at anything as long as cameras are rolling.

Money can't buy love, but you can show your love for your president by purchasing money for him. Sure, his Super PAC rakes in millions of dollars, but potential legal entanglements require that such funds are sufficiently laundered as to be reasonably untraceable. Without question, a little walking-around cash would come in handy when the presidential limo encounters a toll booth on the I95.

Please, do what the president says. Spend your money wisely and frequently. Shop online for presidential gifts. Your country needs you.